In the past few years of my work within the community, I have noticed many people within my network reporting communication fatigue. Setting and vocalizing boundaries has seemed to be an ongoing stressor for many people. When exploring the origins by having active conversations with people, I discovered two common factors to consistently be present. "Fear of Confrontation" and "Fear of Abandonment" are two culprits that seem to lead us into complacency and avoidance. 

Speaking from my own experience, I began to notice two years ago the development of hypersensitivity to my surroundings. These were things that perhaps were always there yet with more concentrated time in safe spaces and limited contact with people, I became conscious of the fact that I began hesitating to speak my truth more and more. If you know me at all, you know that I tend to be pretty transparent. I have learned to speak my needs and accept when they can not be met. I have learned to speak out and verify the stories in my head to validate truth rather than retreat based a piece of fiction. These action items have saved me in the past from isolation and self pity which can place me in a dark space quickly. 

I began to retreat from excessive connections which I was accustomed to because it seemed that people became more sensitive to conversations revealing how we truly felt and what we really needed to feel safe. As disappointment in self began to grow and energy to face the day of interacting began to decrease, I realized that if a change didn't come soon, I would stagnate. There have been many days in which all I could do were the basic functions to move forward without creating more damage. As I began to tire more, it was clear to me that I couldn't move at the same velocity without creating more damage which in turn, took more energy.

I considered myself in the past as someone that tried to be helpful to anyone. I recall many situations in which I chose to take on extra work and hardships to make things easier for others. I began to notice an overdeveloped sense of responsibility arise as I lived out this story of people pleasing in order to be accepted and not be alone. I then realized that when this intense fatigue set in, fancied or real, there were very few people I felt with whom I could share. I began to make changes in my primary connections and sought outside help in addition to the ongoing community support I was seeking. Through this process, I came to the realization that I gave freely and completely to people whom I had no rapport which lead me to be emotionally unavailable to those with whom I did. The door was open for anyone and I noticed that when I asked difficult questions or stated when and how I could give, many people retreated without conversation. My own fear of abandonment, lead to fear of confrontation and I slipped into the convenience of complacency for sake of presence while the suffering continued. Some people responded with anger because I had taught them in the beginning that I would give no matter what the situation. Their responses were natural based on a reaction to change. There was nothing more for me to give and I didn't know how to express that to people yet I did not want to disconnect. 

Learning to identify the people, places and things that felt safe to me became important. These securities act as a sanctuary when I need to recharge. They needed to be places in which people understood and boundaries became rigid in early development. I would only go into outside arenas when I had a surplus of energy and if I saw that the majority of the people didn't agree with what made me feel safe, I would have to detach and retreat. It has become a constant wave of detaching, letting go and seeking. It takes a certain amount of vulnerability and emotional availability coupled with the willingness and desire to find what I seek. I understand that my needs will not always be met. I understand that we test boundaries to discover them. I understand that people go through difficulties that I can not fix. The point isn't so much for me in the outcome but the communication. When communication breaks down and it is verified that these discussions are no longer welcome, it is time to close the door. I also understand that sometimes through these communications, there is a shared agreement that the relationship needs have changed for one or both parties and it is ok to move on with accord. It is ok to ask for what I need in a moment and it is ok to ask others what they need. The Door is Open, Please Wipe Your Feet. 

In 2021, I had a week long artist residency at Wild Acres Retreat Center in Little Switzerland, North Carolina. I had originally applied for the residency in 2020 and understandably due to the pandemic, the residencies were not open. Heading to the mountain with an idea and also an open mind, I knew that I wanted to accomplish two goals. To create a body of work and to also record a series of meditations. As an artist and art therapist, I like to incorporate self awareness and a consciousness of the process into my teachings. "Into the Desert" is the result of that time spent at the residency and it represents the theme "Go within, or go without" I used cacti and succulents as the subject matter for the symbolic meaning of their being able to grow and thrive in harsh environment. They also must store the precious life giving element of water within in order to survive. From an artistic standpoint, I loved the neutral palettes of the subject matter and in my artistic growth, I have been striving for softer and more subtle colors with a "pop" of color. The blooms of the cactus are often fluorescent in appearance and seem to shout out to be noticed. You can view the collection here on the website.  https://micahgoguen.com/viewcollection/166728

I spent time exploring some processes that are new to me and not widely seen in the art world so the week was much about experimentation and learning. I used a mono print process using a gel plate and printing on panels. In this process, I print one color at a time and use a subtractive process to remove layers of paint from the plate before printing. By using panels for this process, the work is ready to hang immediately after creating. Another process that I worked with was known as collage and pastel. Using mixed media techniques, I layer the media to create depth and texture in a unique and exciting way. I was able to play with fixative and ratios in order to customize a signature process that doesn't involve presenting the pastels under glass. The final process I used combined original photography with a layered mixed media approach. Similar to the collage and pastel technique, this process starts by adhering original black and white copies of photography and then hand tinting them using fluid acrylics. It is then covered with a drawing ground and embellished with pastels. I very much appreciated the full immersive experience that allowed me to problem solve and correct these new processes in order to come home and share with the art communities around the southeast area. One of my favorite parts about these processes is that you don't have to be skilled in any particular area to get a good result and explore the techniques. It allows the individual to bring aspects of themselves into the process and step away from everyday stressors without having to think too much about what they are doing. In light of much of our recent external situations, this internal reflective time allows for more of a cognitive and emotional rest. 

The final component of the time spent was a series of custom meditations centered around guided imagery dealing with one's own depictions of a desert. Guided meditation often allows people to experience a mental break from their regular routines. It usually involves prompting in the form of a verbal script or dialogue that keeps the participant's mind focused on the breathe and other imagery that creates a more relaxing and disengaged state of mind. These meditations were implemented in an online art therapy course called "The Divining Rod: Conquering Spiritual Dryness". This seven week course took participants on a journey to discover the things that were blocking them emotionally and spiritually in moving toward their personal goals in a more fulfilling life. Each session incorporated a custom meditation, art directive, interactive group challenge and discussion. I am currently recording a series of complementary meditations to share with all people at no cost to promote an introduction to a practice. Here is an example of one titled "Compassion of Others" https://youtu.be/Fl1a2ByufAc

A huge thank you to Wild Acres Retreat Center. I highly recommend that creatives of all types look into it for one or two week residency opportunities. It is nestled at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains and focuses on blending the beauties of nature with the graces of the humanities. 

I went to an outdoor painting event back in October with other artists from the state. This "plein air" experience always brings some regulars as well as new faces. I got to know one of the new faces and we chatted a bit on the second day. He had been painting a good bit while working his corporate job although he wanted to pursue more art upon retirement. In conversation, I talked about the energy and inspiration I always got from coming together in a group with people of like minds and passion. He mentioned that a challenge for him is that being a new face, it was discouraging when people immediately started to "teach" him. It made him feel less than and seemed as if there were already this "understood" hierarchy in the group. I began to internalize wondering if I had done this during any of my conversations with him. As a teacher and an active member in the community, I tend to guide and navigate others. It is hard in my personal arenas to turn this off. I have had the conscious thought many times that I need to be in an arena in which I just participate. No leading, no teaching, no overextending: just that I show up, do my part and do it well. I brought home that experience into my other groups and paid attention to how I engaged. I asked myself questions like:

"When I share something, am I asking for feedback and shared experience, or looking for accolades? Am I presenting something from the standpoint of concrete thinking or am I looking for suggestions and other ways of looking at things? Do I always have an answer, even if it isn't backed with experience? Do I offer praise and sincere complements as often as I get them? Do I only participate when it is about me?" 

It isn't about beating myself up but more about making a conscious reflection. How do I participate in a group setting? Do I participate in a group setting?  Well to be honest, when I took a look it was a bit lopsided. I also could see that when people demonstrated the same behavior to me, it made me feel like a human resource rather than a contributing member. I want a safe place to belong and participate and I want to improve when and how I give.

Taking workshops from other teachers to watch how they teach.

Working with others and offering support and guidance when asked.

Putting myself out there even when it isn't my best foot forward and not just showing only the good.

Seeking those that intimidate me and get to know a little more what they are doing and how.

Asking questions more often to new comers to get a sense of who they are and what direction they are coming from.

Looking for ways that I can contribute or bring conversation and connection to the table are meaningful to me when being part of a group. I am like that new artist I met at the plein air event. It is camaraderie I am looking for, not promotion. It is experience I want to share, not opinions. It is meaningful connection I want, not an audience. 

Thank you to the new artist that had the courage to speak his truth and share with me his experience. He ended up "teaching" me.

There has been a period of change which has allowed me to look at my journey, direction and process. I honor the truth of everyone on their own path, but here is what I have found true for me at this stage in my being.  When pandemic hit and lockdown started in mid March, I went through an existential crisis of sorts. Financially, I always try to pay ahead 3 months on bills as a prudent reserve. The deeper impact actually wasn't about finance, but came from the question of "Who am I if I am not Teaching?" This bothered me a little as I wondered about having identity around work and wondered if relationships were balanced, etc. Could I be vulnerable and teachable? Could I relax and take time for quiet? I am sure as with many, it brought up a lot of questions for me to consider.  

As I reached out to check in with students and others, I realized that many had that sense of "suspension". While I began teaching the very next week online, I discovered that it wasn't about learning art. The connection and sense of some sort of routine is what gave people hope. Despite what others say about me, I do not think of myself as tech savvy. I had many messy moments and mishaps as I struggled to figure out the process. I found through my trusted network of students that they didn't care about the imperfections. What mattered to them is that I was there, that art was there, that the tribe they had become accustomed to, was there. 

This was a wonderful feeling that let me know a few things. First, it's not about me. What was delivered was much greater than anything I am capable of doing on my own. Second, I asked myself a series of questions which I would like to pose to you.

*How does this fear of what I will look like to others show up in my life?

*How does that fear stop me from taking action or showing up?

*What does that "paralysis" look like?

*Does it keep me from having artistic experiences?

*Does it separate me from forming new connections?

*Does it allow a truth that "I can't do this" or "I am not ready" to manifest?

I realized for me, that it has shown up in many ways. While I do minimize what I do and how I show up at times, I understand that as I see it now, showing up in some capacity has remained relevant. I still have my introverted pockets of quiet and refresh time. I have made mistakes, hurt people, felt embarrassed, perhaps even taught people "what not to do".

I have also been visible, accountable and authentic to my journey of learning. I don't want to disengage from living and practical application has taught me more than anything. Again, I respect everyone where they are and realize this may not be true for many. I trust you to know yourself and your trusted network enough to know what is right for your journey at this time. 

To those who identify, I wish you to know that you are not alone. I hope to see you in the trenches of life. Today, I choose to show up messy, but I am also choosing to show up.

Below is a bed head selfie taken in the moment, as I am. Showing up.

         I discovered for myself that black and white or “all or nothing” approach with my artwork can really affect my artistic journey. My first thought goes to deprivation. When I don’t allow myself play time with my creative self, it becomes vital that I have something amazing to show for it when I do. It is almost as if there is a voice saying, “If I can’t measure progress or success, I can’t justify making this time again.” Sound absurd? In working with the Artist’s Way, I realized that simply making the time and taking action was progress. In fact, even consistently attempting to make time to be creative is progress. The time I plan is sacred. I get to watch how quickly I put the needs of others first, how I abandon the plan altogether when conditions aren’t just right or even how I won’t take action unless I can get someone else involved. All of these reasons and more put me into a state of “analysis paralysis”. Judgements, outcomes and my own harsh inner critic take over and I can’t complete the action. When these things happen and it takes over the situation or opportunity, there is a part of me that was waiting to say “See! I told you this would happen.” It is the story I subconsciously prefer. Even when I take a risk, make plans and take action, there is part of me that is waiting to say “I knew this would never work anyway”

         So, the question is this: When am I ready to quit living in that story? Perhaps the story of defeat and powerlessness is all I have ever known. Maybe even though it isn’t good for me, I am more comfortable there because it is how I spent a good portion of my life. The point isn’t so much in the “Why is it this way?” as it is the “How am I going to change it?”. For me, I use two main tools: support and repetition. Support shows up in the form of accountability. Generally, someone with experience that can help me to realistically set goals and reflect accountability. I once had a mentor that told me “Find people who are doing what you want to do and immerse yourself in them”. Forming a plan of action, speaking it out loud and following up are scary and vulnerable things. It is so easy for me to talk myself out of something or break a promise to myself. In the beginning, the accountability is huge. Repetition is also key. In this journey, I am almost guaranteed to embarrass myself, stumble, come up short, etc. Who do you know that sets a course from A to B and glides perfectly each time? I make an agreement with myself to create what I lovingly call the “string of pearls” effect. Each experience is a pearl of wisdom. There is data I learn about myself, the environment and the process. When I get caught in all or nothing thinking, I forget to keep collecting the data. If something goes wrong or an emotional land mine is hit, I would simply quit. Forming this new agreement allows me to collect a series of data. One experience may be something I prefer not to do again, but I have to proportionately weigh that against other experiences. If I make an agreement to keep going until I have 6 art experiences for example, then I can look over the “string of pearls” and collect the emergent pattern for a more realistic truth. Then I can regroup, make some minor changes and try another series. Did I try a different teacher? A different media? A different time of day? A different support-network? There are so many ingredients to consider. It is a delight to set forth on a journey and learn more about what is conducive to my own greatest potential and to also know that my journey varies from those around me. So, my question to you is this: What story are you currently living that is holding you back from your greatest potential?

What does it mean to put ourselves out there? It is easy to sit back and watch others that inspire, entertain or even stumble and fail. We all have that list of things we would like to do. The more important question is "What is it that is blocking us?"

Most of the time when when we are blocked in an area of our life, it is because we feel safer that way. Much fear of our own creativity is the fear of the unknown. We have some pretty awful notions about what could happen. So rather than find out, we decide to stay blocked. This is seldom a conscious decision. It is more often an unconscious response to internalized negative beliefs. Clearing away cultural negatives, we may find we are still left with core negatives we have acquired from our families, teachers, and friends. These are often more subtle- but equally undermining if not confronted. The work is to confront them. 

Think about the last time you took a risk and tried something new and had a positive experience. Experiences like riding a bike for the first time or hitting a baseball didn't all just happen perfectly the first attempt. Why, as adults, do we condition ourselves to believe that our success or failure pivots around one action. By being vulnerable, we embrace the risk and take an action or share an aspect of ourselves with someone that has earned our trust. The payoff perhaps, is that the core negative belief we were holding on to, doesn't come true. Your block doesn't want you to see that. Its plan of attack is to make you irrationally afraid of some outcome you are too embarrassed to even mention. You know that your actions shouldn't be put off because of some silly fear, but you don't air it and the block stays in tact. 

Trusting our creativity is new behavior for many of us. It may feel quite threatening initially, not only to us but also to those closest to us. We may feel-and look-erratic. This erraticism is a normal part of getting unstuck, pulling free from the muck that has blocked us. It is important to remember that at first flush, going sane feels like going crazy.

Finding a tribe with common interests is important to my survival in integrating and staying challenged. This increases my ability to stay motivated to pursue the things I love. By investing in people, one action at a time, I am able to build trusting relationships with others and see that my negative core beliefs are illusions that are holding me back. Left to my own devices, in my own head, those negative core beliefs become reality and there is nobody equally invested to validate them. 

Don't get me wrong. I am guaranteed to fall, scrape my knee, be embarrassed and even get turned down. Life isn't a constant uphill climb in which I can constantly measure the progress. A friend once told me that if I wasn't getting rejected, I wasn't trying hard enough. I find that the positive outcomes of taking action include validation, connection, new perspectives, hope and encouragement. So what are the payoffs of being stuck? 

Choose vulnerability today. Look for the newcomer that has less experience than you and motivate and lift them up. Seek the person that has experience and let them share the stories of trials that they overcame to arrive where they are today. Make yourself available for connection and make multiple connections to find the personalities that are a good fit for you. If you are feeling stuck, ask yourself "What daily action am I taking to move toward my goal?"

I have found on my journey that the most exhausting and overwhelming question for someone trying to have any creative experience is the basic question of "How do I get started?" Let's face it, when we are allowing ourselves the gift of a new experience, it is scary and unfamiliar. For many of us, it has been so long since we have let our guard down for some play time, we don't know quite how to approach it. I have found statistically that the people that have the most anxiety and frustration over starting a new artistic endeavor are those that are living in the false belief that they may never have another experience. Follow me on this one for a moment....for those in the busy work-a-day away, tasking, family raising households, there is seldom a free moment. When we finally hit the limit and decide a creative break is in order, it becomes so terribly crucial for that experience to be a success! Not familiar with this creative process once it begins, I am not instantly creating the masterpiece I already envisioned in my head. Panic begins to arise and I think to myself how I really wanted this to be a good experience. Self sabotoge can kick in at that state and the process can become dreadful rather than relaxing. What we need to understand is that the awareness to have an experience sometimes is the first step. If I can't relax or at least learn to relax when I have creative time, it won't be enjoyable for me. Here are a few basic tips to make your experience a good one.

1) schedule your play time (and keep the date)- you'll be amazed at how many people, places and things want to encroach on your time!

2) make your creative space a safe place--whatever area you designate as a safe place, whether public or private, protect it from interruptions or distractions. Turn of your cell phone and turn on some music. (Or tune in to the sounds of your surroundings) 

3) treat play time as just that...Playtime! Allow yourself to have an experience. This means gain experience! Learn what the substrate can do,

how will the paint look when thick, thin, watered down and drippy, etc. Seek a better process, not a better product!

Meet yourself where you are but step 1 is always making the decision to have an experience and making a plan including time and place!

I look forward to hearing what comes up for you!