There has been a period of change which has allowed me to look at my journey, direction and process. I honor the truth of everyone on their own path, but here is what I have found true for me at this stage in my being.  When pandemic hit and lockdown started in mid March, I went through an existential crisis of sorts. Financially, I always try to pay ahead 3 months on bills as a prudent reserve. The deeper impact actually wasn't about finance, but came from the question of "Who am I if I am not Teaching?" This bothered me a little as I wondered about having identity around work and wondered if relationships were balanced, etc. Could I be vulnerable and teachable? Could I relax and take time for quiet? I am sure as with many, it brought up a lot of questions for me to consider.  

As I reached out to check in with students and others, I realized that many had that sense of "suspension". While I began teaching the very next week online, I discovered that it wasn't about learning art. The connection and sense of some sort of routine is what gave people hope. Despite what others say about me, I do not think of myself as tech savvy. I had many messy moments and mishaps as I struggled to figure out the process. I found through my trusted network of students that they didn't care about the imperfections. What mattered to them is that I was there, that art was there, that the tribe they had become accustomed to, was there. 

This was a wonderful feeling that let me know a few things. First, it's not about me. What was delivered was much greater than anything I am capable of doing on my own. Second, I asked myself a series of questions which I would like to pose to you.

*How does this fear of what I will look like to others show up in my life?

*How does that fear stop me from taking action or showing up?

*What does that "paralysis" look like?

*Does it keep me from having artistic experiences?

*Does it separate me from forming new connections?

*Does it allow a truth that "I can't do this" or "I am not ready" to manifest?

I realized for me, that it has shown up in many ways. While I do minimize what I do and how I show up at times, I understand that as I see it now, showing up in some capacity has remained relevant. I still have my introverted pockets of quiet and refresh time. I have made mistakes, hurt people, felt embarrassed, perhaps even taught people "what not to do".

I have also been visible, accountable and authentic to my journey of learning. I don't want to disengage from living and practical application has taught me more than anything. Again, I respect everyone where they are and realize this may not be true for many. I trust you to know yourself and your trusted network enough to know what is right for your journey at this time. 

To those who identify, I wish you to know that you are not alone. I hope to see you in the trenches of life. Today, I choose to show up messy, but I am also choosing to show up.

Below is a bed head selfie taken in the moment, as I am. Showing up.